


Abandon all hope, ye who enter here

by Laurap1680



Category: Smosh
Genre: Anal Sex, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, M/M, Other, Roleplay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:21:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24205078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laurap1680/pseuds/Laurap1680
Summary: Best be careful! I've seen many a travelers enter, and none return.  Careful! For upon entering lie countless perils: mediocre writing, weird jokes, and even weirder roleplay!
Relationships: Damien Haas/Courtney Miller/Shayne Topp, Damien Haas/Shayne Topp
Comments: 6
Kudos: 16





	Abandon all hope, ye who enter here

Well, here I am. Back again to upset the balance of the universe. Should you want to continue on my journey of self-indulgence, please buckle up and keep all hands, tentacles, and feet inside the vehicle at all times. If you are not eighteen, or are over eighteen and will sue me for perjury, please exit to your left. Before we begin, I must point out that I am a fairly disturbed individual, and I have seen or heard many things in my life. People are always shocked when I make a witty comeback of a sexual nature. I started thinking kinky things when I was, oh… twelve, maybe? So, over the last fifteen years, I have developed an immunity to disturbing kinks, except maybe cannibalism. That being said, I have never participated in any sexual acts beyond giving oral sex to both a man and a woman. That’s right, I am a virgin, and probably always will be. That is why all sex stuff is poorly written, as I have only had a medical background, fanfiction and porn to guide me. But we’re not here for me, right? No, we’re here for our good ole boys Shayne Topp and Damien Haas. Be ready, this is a weird one, guys. 

Olivia Sui, a popular YouTube sketch comedian, knocks on the door of a mid-sized ranch in a pretty nice neighborhood on the east side of Burbank, CA. She had received a text to come over to her friend Courtney Miller’s new house to meet Courtney’s two newly adopted dogs. She is filled with excitement to hear the barking; she loves dogs. Of course she loves dogs, everyone loves dogs, even the people who don’t love dogs. Courtney appears in the front door’s side window, like the skinny window that’s on the side of a front door to make it look good or something. Olivia still hears the barking from a bedroom as she steps over the threshold. This is taking far too long to get to the meat of the story, and I apologize. Skip the formalities, the dogs are not dogs. They are actually Shayne and Damien roleplaying as dogs with Courtney roleplaying as their owner. Yeah, that’s right. Honestly, if you’re still here, it’s your fault now. I warned you well in advance. It has been a struggle, but I did figure out what breeds our boys would be. Shayne is clearly a golden retriever. But Damien, should he become an animal, would be a cat. This created the problem of a dog fucking a cat, and, while I am a pretty open-minded person, that just didn’t sit well with me. Border collies are a shepherd breed and they come in different colors. Mine, Lollie, has a Blue Merle coloring, and her coat actually looks blue in the right lighting. It is no longer in his hair, but at one time Damien did have a blue streak in it. Ergo, I chose a Blue Merle border collie for Damien. Yet, none of that matters because there is no Gisney magic in this story to turn them into actual dogs. At this point, Olivia does not yet know what she is about to know. Let us get into some dialogue, shall we?  
“Hey! Where are they?” Olivia greets and hugs Courtney cheerfully. Courtney backs away from the embrace with a timid expression.  
“Um…Can I talk to you for a minute first?” Courtney asks nervously.  
“Sure! What’s up?” Clueless. Clueless is the word I use to describe Olivia at this point. Whoa, wait… I did not introduce any characters yet. God, I’m so bad at this. I guess you’re just stuck not knowing who these people are, except that you do know, except that you don’t know because these are original characters who happen to have the same names as several real people, right? Winky face.  
“So, there’s something…going on. Actually, let’s sit down.” Courtney grabs Olivia’s arm and leads her to the living room couch.  
“Is something wrong?” Asks Olivia, as she is a nice person and would be concerned about her friend.  
“No. Nothing’s wrong.” Actually, this is wrong in several countries including Antarctica, whose emperor only allows birds with tuxedos to be animals. “It’s just…weird. I guess the easiest way to say it is to just say it. I don’t actually own any dogs. Damien, Shayne and I have been…roleplaying…with them being my dogs.” Courtney puts her hand up to stop Olivia’s reaction. “Before you say anything, I want you to know it is all consensual, and we all want this lifestyle. They have collars, and when the collar is on, they’re my pets, but when either of them or I take it off, it’s over and we’re equals again.” I’m not sure how to transition here because Olivia does not say anything for a good thirty seconds, but if I don’t have her speaking, I can’t break up the paragraph. Oh well, I guess this will do. This text is representative of the time it takes for Olivia to react. What kind of reaction, you ask? Laughter. Hysterical, loud, snorty laughter. Laughter that lasts too long for this situation. It is not until Olivia notices Courtney’s hurt expression that she stops laughing.  
“Wait. Are you serious? This isn’t a bit?” No, Olivia, it’s not a bit, duh. This is serious, so serious. Like flaming ball of gas Sirius.  
“Yeah.” Courtney answers sheepishly. Bah.  
“Oh. I’m sorry, I was just…” Olivia is not the only one trailing off here. I mean, what do you say? But really, what would you say if someone told you they are in a polyamorous relationship and they roleplay as pets? Personally, I would say nothing, but it would do me a good bamboozling.  
“It’s fine. I get it. You don’t have to like…accept it or anything either. I just wanted you to know because you’re my friend and I didn’t want you to find out by accident.”  
“I’m not super weirded out, I’m just…shocked. And a little confused.”  
“If you have questions, I’m happy to answer them.” Courtney assures her friend. Olivia thinks for a second. Only a second, though. Not two.  
“Is it like…sexual?” Good question, Olivia. That is the kind of work I want to see around here.  
“No! I mean…not really for all of us.” Can I explain this correctly? Are people going to get mad at me for throwing in a little bit of a ship that is, admittedly, very popular but not the main focus here? Are people going to see through my witty exterior that I really think Damien is, and want him to be, a bottom in any relationship regardless of gender? Will people be mad or uncomfortable about me forcing that role on this character? Should I stop snorting cocaine and go back to being a normal person? Just know, I am self-aware.  
“What do you mean?” Meh…here we go, I guess.  
“So, I don’t have sex with them when we’re…playing. Part of their roles is to act exactly as a dog would, to a degree. Dogs, especially male dogs, do…hump things or other dogs. So, I guess that might be considered sexual? It would never be around anyone else, though.”  
“Ok. Did you want me to…I don’t know…watch or something?”  
“I mostly just wanted you to know, but if you want to see them collared, I’ll bring them out.” Courtney says hesitantly. “They only have their boxers on, but I can have them get dressed if you would be more comfortable?”  
“No, it’s fine, I guess.” Gasp! Olivia wants to see them half naked? How scandalous! But let’s be real, you want that, too. 

Courtney Miller, proud owner of two doggos, opens her bedroom door to reveal the biggest secret of her life to her friend, Olivia Sui. Two pairs of eyes land on the new occupants. With a barely perceptible nod from Courtney, both good bois get up off their good boi beds and crawl up to Olivia. Now, I want you to imagine a person standing in a snake pit. That is Olivia at this point. It takes a comforting smile from the collie to make Olivia relax. She holds out her hand and lets the retriever sniff her palm. Now that I think about it, it would probably be really awkward to just pet someone’s hair. In fact, this whole situation is awkward and unrealistic, but we’re in it now, so this is what we get. She carefully puts her hand on Shayne’s head and gives him two pats before moving on to Damien. Shayne then squeezes between her legs to get out of the bedroom and go to the living room.  
“Shayne! No!” Yells Courtney as she runs after him, trying to prevent him from jumping up on the couch. No dogs on the couch! Meanwhile, Olivia looks at Damien and shrugs before he, too, starts treading down the hallway to the living room. Olivia comes to the main room to find Courtney holding Shayne’s brown leather collar. Shayne, determined to sit on the couch, pulls his neck away from Courtney’s grasp, you know, like a bad dog.  
“Are they not allowed on the furniture?” Olivia looks on with curiosity.  
“They are, it’s just that they were running around outside earlier and his knees are all grassy.” Courtney cautiously lets Shayne’s collar go, waiting to see if he tries to jump up again. When he turns his interest to a squeak toy, Courtney addresses Damien. “Oh, Damien. You’re such a good boy, aren’t you? You always listen to Mama.” She gives the boy a head scratch and a stick of teriyaki beef jerky as a reward. Shayne, seeing this preferential treatment that is not actually preferential treatment but rather positive reinforcement for good behavior, sulks over to where Damien is laying on the ground chewing his jerky. Shayne pouts and looks at Courtney apologetically. I do not blame Courtney for breaking because what monster sees a sad pupper and denies him a treat? Now, you might be wondering, “Laura, when is the sex? I came here for the sex.” I see you. I looked at the stats. You see a fic tagged “anal sex” and it gets over a thousand more hits than non-anal sex fics. If you could be patient, I promise we’ll get there and it will be worth the wait.

When people are faced with uncomfortable situations, they either don’t say anything or they spew nonsense. Olivia does not seem like the type of person to just stand around, but rather she would reach into the deepest recesses of her colorful imagination and pull out a wildly obscure question.  
“Are they neutered?” What?!  
“What?!” Asks Courtney, befuddled.  
“Um…I mean. Bob Barker always said to spay and neuter your pets.” Olivia attempts to explain herself. But there is no explanation. After a moment of silence, Courtney explodes with laughter, and the boys look at Olivia wide-eyed.  
“Liv, that’s a bit far, don’t you think?” Courtney says through bouts of laughter. “I’m not gonna cut their balls off. What the hell?” Yeah, Olivia, that was a pretty insane question, but at least you helped ease the tension of the situation.  
“Ok, yeah, you’re right. Sorry.” Olivia is visibly flustered but gives a self-deprecating chuckle.  
“It’s fine.” Courtney says on the verge of hysteria.  
“What do they eat?” Better question. Not quite so invasive.  
“Oh, I just order food from somewhere and put it in their bowls.” Courtney points to the aforementioned bowls in the kitchen. After a series of questions about the details of the roleplaying arrangement, which I shan’t take the time to create, Olivia decides she’s kind of ok with it all. Furious barking gains the humans’ attention and Courtney springs up to grab Shayne’s collar and pull him away from the window. “No! No barking at the neighbors!”

Before this devolves further into madness, I want to refer you to a song. This song is not to be played where others can hear it. The song is called “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails. If you have the time and the means, I highly recommend listening to it in preparation for the rest of this story. Another fitting song would probably be “Losing my Religion” by REM because no god walks among us here. So, during the chorus, Trent Reznor confesses his most passionate desires to an unidentified individual. This confession is along the lines of, “I desire to copulate with you like a non-human.” I want you to imagine, then, how Shayne Topp would confess his most passionate desires to a known individual; an individual lying next to him on a cushion meant for dogs. Soft snores fill the dark room as Shayne strains his eyes to look at his companion. This is where my writing is going to take an even deeper dive than it already has. Because I do not know the dimensions of either Shayne Topp or Damien Haas’ penis, I will not be describing them here. Therefore, at your discretion, feel free to imagine dicks of porn proportions. I recall asking you to imagine Shayne telling Damien about his most primal urges. Now, I want you to imagine he was granted permission, and access, to satisfy said urges. If you have not witnessed the mating of two canines, allow me to educate you. The boy dog puts his wiener into the girl dog’s vag. This poses a problem here, as neither Damien nor Shayne have a vag in which to put a wiener. Fret not, however, and let me introduce you to the bussy. Yes, that is pussy spelled with a B because it’s not a vagina, it’s a Boy Pussy. And since we already established you guys are weirdly into anal, I probably need not explain further. So, it starts as a tingling in Shayne’s groin. There is a beautiful dog sleeping next to him: a dog with a bussy. And perhaps this beautiful dog might let Shayne fuck said bussy. But it is no easy feat for a dog to woo a mate, especially one as lovely as Damien. How, then, will Shayne hit it? Say it with me: sniffing his best friend’s ass. There you go, you got it. So, Shayne does this, startling Damien awake. At this point, they’ve been doing this for a while, so Damien’s been knew and allows it. Determining the scent of laundry detergent and musk to be indicative of a receptive mate, Shayne pulls Damien to his hands and knees, like doggy style. Lol get it? Because they’re pretending to be dogs and now, they’re going to do it doggy style. What a funny joke I have made! From here, we can go two different ways: one being the safe, conservative route, and the other being the risky, what-the-fuck-Laura route. Because the previous six pages of text have been the risky, what-the-fuck-Laura route, and you are still here, I will take the liberty of making this the weirdest, most hellish piece of text you have ever read. So, let’s recap… we’ve got roleplay, we’ve got ass-sniffing, we’ve got a frankly and seemingly unpopular sexual dynamic. Why not add some pregnancy kink? You know, to spice it up a little; maybe get it over 800,000 Scoville Units. Shayne has said he would like to be a father someday, but what about now? He does not actually want to be a father right now, especially not to like five puppies, but he finds no harm in practicing. Therefore, he’s going to skip a major step that I want you to never skip: wrapping it up. I can understand his urgency; who wouldn’t want to get it in as fast as possible, have you seen Damien? So, Shayne sneaks to the nightstand beside the sleeping third party in the room and finds some personal lubricant. This is a product used to make things slide a bit easier by reducing friction. It is imperative that one use lube when participating in anal sex. Crawling back over to his beloved, Shayne lubes his cock and Damien’s ass. Shayne, ever so slowly, inserts the head of his dick, causing Damien to squeeze his eyes closed and let out a relieved groan. Due to the fact that the anus is designed to have things coming out of it, I will not be calling it an “entrance” as many writers do. The anus is primarily an exit. That is why Damien’s body is like “hey, what’s this? A dick? Really? This needs to get out of here” and does its best to evacuate Shayne’s dick. With a little force and a lot of will, Shayne manages to get passed those pesky muscles (there are two; one internal, one external), and starts thrusting. Meanwhile, Courtney wakes up a bit and looks over from her bed to find the source of a moist, slapping noise. She does a surprised Pikachu, but does not turn away. Ok, be honest, you would watch your friends fucking like animals, too. Softly growling, Shayne tries to get in deeper, but to no avail. There’s a G-spot (prostate) he’s trying to find, but it’s hiding like I’m hiding my face right now. He groans in frustration but keeps fucking. Damien’s whispering incoherently and sinks to his elbows. As previously stated, this is not their first time, so Damien knows how to get what he needs. He needs to cum and have his ass filled with cum, so he reaches back to grab Shayne’s hand in an attempt to make him reciprocate (come on, Shayne, be a considerate lover.). Well, Shayne is a considerate lover and shifts from a kneeling position to a hands-and-knees position, bracing himself with a hand on the ground and jerking Damien’s dick with the other. The proximity of Shayne’s mouth to Damien’s ear allows Damien to pick up all the shit flowing from Shayne’s mouth. Stuff like “gah, so fucking tight, man” and “I’m gonna…gonna get in there and…and knock you the fuck up.” Despite the sad attempt at dirty talk, something just clicks in Damien and he cums all over Shayne’s hand and the dog bed, gasping for breath. Shayne moves his cummy hand to Damien’s tummy, gripping him there and trying to force him back on his dick.  
“Please, Shayne. I need it.” Damien pants, covering Shayne’s had with his own. So, you know how an earthquake makes things rattle, eventually causing them to fall off a surface, but slowly? That was not Shayne Topp in this moment. No, he ran off the ledge. I have never felt the sensation of cum filling my cavities, but I could sort of imagine it being like pissing oneself, but internally. It’s hot, it’s liquid, it all comes out of the same hole in a man; basically urine. But in this timeline, in this universe, and potentially in ours (I don’t judge), Damien does know the sensation of cum flooding his guts. A sensation that I do know, one we all know, is that of something coming out of our rectums. You should be feeling this sensation every one to three days. However, I am not suggesting you engage in anal sex every one to three days, I am just recommending a good poop schedule. But you know how you get it to the point where you don’t have to push anymore, it just kinda gets squeezed out? That is how I imagine the sensation of a cock being pulled from one’s ass. When the boys relax some, they are startled by a slow clap. Their heads snap up to see Courtney halfheartedly smirking from the bed. This reminds the two collared humans that they are still collared, and, with no intention of uncollaring themselves, they resume their roles and lay back down on their dog bed. Courtney throws the covers off herself and walks cautiously toward her pets. It is best practice to not startle or act aggressively toward a male dog and his mate post-coitus. With no growl or teeth-bearing from Shayne, Courtney bends to pet Damien on the head and speak to him.  
“Did it work?” Vague. Also, he’s not going to answer you. Courtney moves to rub Damien’s belly. “I guess we’ll find out soon enough.” She looks at Shayne who is on the verge of passing out due to the speed at which his blood raises him from half to full mast. A coy smile from Damien is almost the nail in the coffin. 

Congratulations, you made it to the end. I am not sure if this is the end of this particular scenario or just the end of this chapter, but I do deeply apologize for all mental scarring. Do not use bleach on your eyes, just rip them out. It will make you forget faster. I have been told not to kink-shame myself, but I also believe this fandom is a bit too green for most of this, and for that I apologize again. I was in the Supernatural Wincest fandom previously, and all of this kind of stuff was already there. I guess you are now privy to the psychotic, poorly written ramblings of someone with too much time on her hands. I’m gonna go cry, now. Bye.


End file.
